But Glennon, What If I Can’t Do Hard Things?
Hi y’all.
It’s been raining a lot where I live. Like, a lot, a lot. I don’t mind it at all. In fact I absolutely love the rain - it makes existence slow. My brain comes alive in a different way, a creative way where it thinks its thoughts faster than I can make a mental note to remember them. I am on my phone constantly texting myself phrases that I hope will help me remember. It often doesn’t. Similar to being in the shower where thoughts oscillate with no place to land, ideas are constantly lost. What does this have to do with anything? Your guess is as good as mine. Perhaps I am just setting the scene.
I am a pretty transparent person. At least I really try to be. It’s fucking difficult. Here I sit, at my dining room table listening to my Ratatat station, looking out over my patio telling myself to simply say things. So today I’ll just… say things. I’ll be open and truthful and maybe a bit outside the blog box. Adjacent but still relevant. So, here’s an honest glimpse into producing a passion project.
Fear #1 (It is too soon to decide if these are listed in any kind of order of importance. I guess we’ll find out.): I am way over my head. See also to come: Imposter syndrome. Listen. Every day I think to myself ‘what are you even doing?’ as I mentally and physically go through the To Do lists (LISTS - plural) I have that are ever evolving. Don’t get me wrong, every day I also say to myself ‘I can’t believe how lucky I am to be the one doing this.’ It is cyclical. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. There are so many moving parts and I am only one human because I can’t afford the other humans I should have surrounding me. And when I say “can’t afford” I mean it literally. The more this project develops the more relevant it feels. The more imperative it becomes. The more people I meet and talk to tell me how thankful they are that I am doing this and how important it is to them that they’re seen and heard. How can I NOT afford this? Which leads us into:
Fear #1.5: I run out of money. I chuckle at this one a bit. It should really be, I run out of money again, and again, and… again. The repetitive motion of spending all you have in hopes of finding more to just spend on the next thing waiting to happen really adds to feeling over my head. In this regard, however, it is more like intense treading of water. Trust me, I know a thing or two about treading water - I learned to swim in an open body of freshwater where one lesson was simply treading choppy white cap water for the entire hour. T’wasn’t a highlight of my childhood.
When I say I am new to this, I mean it. Have I worked in the industry before, yes. But not like this. Not when it is all up to me and me alone to make sure I succeed, that this succeeds. The pressure is palpable. It is on my back like a kid who is too big for a piggyback but you’re giving one anyway and they fall asleep and you can’t put them down because it is your responsibility to take care of them. I am a queer woman trying to tell the stories of people who need to be heard and listened to. I am giving everything I have to give a voice to those who feel unseen and they deserve for me to succeed. I refuse to be another person letting them down and not being able to give their stories space. I simply refuse. But how do I do it? How does a first time queer female producer and director secure the trust and funds to be allowed the room to succeed? Full transparency, the money is at an all time low. I am doing everything in my power to fund this project but it is hard. It is messy and frustrating and often infuriating that it is so so hard. Will I stop trying? No. But I’m not certain how I’m going to do it. And that’s just facts. I’ll continue to pray to whatever it is I believe in that day, that I have the stamina to keep treading.
Fear #2: I am an imposter. This one is tricky to say out loud or even write down because that feels a lot like admitting you don’t think you’re good enough. I don’t think that fear is an uncommon one, however. What even would it be like to move through life never once doubting yourself or your abilities to succeed. I think there are a good number of people who believe I have and always have had the confidence to enter any scenario with a cool, calm, and collected demeanor and yeah, I would admit to being situationally versatile but that does not always equate to confidence. Being a confident person is damn hard and often impossible to sustain. The doubts have a way of seeping in. Am I the best person for this job? Can I make a worthy product? Why trust me? Am I nuts? I ask myself these questions almost daily. To which my mantra on good days has become, “Of course I am. Of course I can. Why not trust me? Most definitely am.” On bad days, it is the same but with more repetition.
Fear #3: I can’t do hard things. Sorry, Glennon but this is ultimately one of my biggest fears in life, not just associated with this project. What if, after all the time, money, and effort I can’t do the hard thing. What would that say about me? I get it, we can only learn from our failures. This I don’t disagree with. I know this now. However, I was an intense athlete growing up and failure was rarely something I was taught to learn from. Unless learning meant some sort of punishment consisting of intense and prolonged physical exertion. It becomes ingrained then the belief that failure is not a teaching tool but often the opposite. So, what happens if I can’t do hard things? What happens if I can’t do THIS hard thing? This is a spiral-causing fear. The tornado of fears.
Why am I allowing myself to share these fears with you? See above: I’m nuts. But also, I am human. I am a human who is trying their very best to stay the course and create something of importance because it is something of importance. And not just to me. I know this now more than ever after being trusted so openly with peoples stories of fear and sadness and trauma as well as joy and love and acceptance. To succeed I must continue to check in with myself which often means doing this, writing it out, and why not be open about that? Why wouldn’t I share my vulnerabilities and trust in you the way so many have with me. It only seems fair, no?
