And What A Year It Has Been

I’ve always had mixed feelings about how many different apps and sites and pieces of technology there are to remind you of your past. I think we’ve all experienced at one point the inevitable “You have memories from 10 years ago” notifications. If these apps are smart enough to know I was just contemplating in my head what new vacuum I need and then suggest vacuums to me, then they should be smart enough to surmise that I don’t need to be reminded about an ex since I haven’t posted about them IN TEN YEARS. Alas, this isn’t about that. (We can always circle back to rant when the memories are another year old.)

Today I got a reminder that on this day last year I was in the airport. My crew and I were in the tornado that was four Wynonna Earp conventions in five months, the most recent having been only a couple weeks prior. We were tired, masked up, and waiting at our gate after having met up with an Earper we had befriended while filming in New Orleans. I ended up sitting next to her on the flight and honestly, the only thing I remember about being in the air was the rounds of mimosas we shared. I had vouchers. You can’t not use your vouchers. 

We were headed to Anaheim, California for the very first Earp Division Expo and I couldn’t have been less prepared for what this con was going to do to me mentally and emotionally. 

I thought, after filming through two conventions already, that I knew what to expect. A lot of the same people attended all the cons and by this time we began to get recognized for who we were and what we were doing there. We even got recognized at baggage claim, which was a lovely but surreal experience. The difference this time was one threaded question that brought a lot of people to us. We talked a lot about tattoos and why “a silly little tv show” would inspire permanent body art. I saw some amazing art but under that art, both literally and figuratively, were the scars of trauma. With scars came the stories I was entrusted in hearing and holding. It was amazing and beautiful and emotional. It was a lot. I was thankful beyond words but also unsure how to proceed as a human - a human sponge. 

I wouldn’t have traded that experience for anything. I’d say though, that this long weekend most definitely reminded me why I was doing this project. It was difficult not to let Amber the human be the most common version of myself present when Amber the producer/director really needed to also be in attendance. That shoot hasn’t left me and so many of the stories I was entrusted with live in a secure box in my heart where they are safe but can’t chip away at me. It was life changing.

We had one more con to film a couple months later which allowed me to prepare in a way I hadn’t before any other. It was another amazing experience but one that I didn’t let infiltrate my emotional status as thoroughly. Probably best for everyone involved there and those I was going home to. When at the close of our con-filming journey I was unsure what the future of my/our presence at future cons would be and that was definitely difficult to accurately wrap my brain around. Months and months later, I am still unsure how I feel about leaving the con life behind (convention not convict for those of you just joining us), at least for the time being.

Being reminded where I was last year is only making it more difficult knowing this year's EDE (Earp Division Expo) is just around the corner. People are having countdowns and trying to organize their schedules to maximize it all. I’m not sure, less the wool-over-eyes understanding of Disney World as an eight year old, I have ever experienced the amount of joy and love and purity as I have at an Earper convention. It is unreal. But also so, so real for those there. Nothing has ever been more real for some and that is a pretty incredible thing to witness.

It’s going to be bizarre not being there. With the amount of social media sharing I have no doubt that I will see nearly everything there is to see and that’s great. It won’t however, have the charge in the air, the hugs, tears, or laughter. My goal right now is to finish the remainder of shoots we have scheduled and continue searching for funds to put it all together. As much as I will miss what feels like being let in on a secret society’s handshake, my job is not there right now. It’s here, doing my best to do these stories justice. 

I’ll be there in spirit, a safe place supporting from afar. But please, feel free to do a shot of whiskey, have an old fashioned or whiskey sour at the end of a long day, for me, like we did together then.